Appreciate the offer man.
So I can't get this thing running. I've tried every single possible combination of settings on this carb (and a few that never existed before, I had to invent them) and it just won't start. The positive is it has helped me realize just how woefully unfit I am; I think I had 3 strokes, a heart attack and a mild epileptic episode from kicking and push starting the thing so many times.
There's spark, compression, air and theoretically fuel. So I'm going to buy a new carb and be done with it. Spoke with a guy who repairs these for a living and he said with these, he'll tune it once or twice. If still no dice, just replace as they're relatively cheap and it's more effective than speaking in tongues trying to get it to work. More money, but at least I save a leg.
Other than the fact she doesn't run, she's in perfect shape now.