What's new
Carbonite

Welcome to Carbonite! Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

Jokes, Have a laugh

Dr Evil

Lurker
Rating - 100%
11   0   0
Joined
Oct 1, 2013
Messages
404
Reaction score
123
Points
1,285



Sent from my iPhone+ using my finger
 

Rickster

Well-Known member
Rating - 100%
8   0   0
Joined
Jul 3, 2013
Messages
906
Reaction score
333
Points
1,465
Battlefield V preorders.
 

Maximums_Rickimus

Well-Known member
Reseller
Rating - 100%
55   0   0
Joined
Jun 8, 2018
Messages
791
Reaction score
411
Points
1,345
Age
28
Not sure if this one's been posted but here we go anyways:

Kid comes home from school with an assignment where he has to explain in an essay how politics works. He asks his dad for some help who says "no problem", since he knows a thing or two about that. He says to his son "Look its easy, politics work like this: I am the government because I run the household. Your mom is the law because she makes the rules around the house. Your grandmother is the media because she is always gossiping. The maid is the people because she gets paid to do all the work. You are the the youth because you are young and in school and your little brother is the youth of tomorrow because he is still a baby."

The next day the kid is more puzzled about politics than ever before when he gets home from school and finds his father busy screwing the maid in the pantry. He runs to tell his mom but finds her passed out in bed. He then tries to find his grandmother but can't get a word in sideways through all her nonsense gossiping. He then looks for his little brother who he finds with a dirty diaper.

The next day the kid gets up in class to read his essay: "Politics is easy, see it goes like this... the government fucks the people while the law sleeps and the media rambles on a bunch of nonsense. The youth don't have a clue whats going on and the youth of tomorrow are full of shit."
 

Maximums_Rickimus

Well-Known member
Reseller
Rating - 100%
55   0   0
Joined
Jun 8, 2018
Messages
791
Reaction score
411
Points
1,345
Age
28
swefoiewnfiewbfe.png
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.

Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus’s birthday as a bit of a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and, working in the North Sea, I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types…

Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

Religion hadn’t featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.

Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.

Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen. By this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.

I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open, trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.

This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

The only solution my pain-crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering…'Ooooh, that feels good’.

Understandingly this was a shock to her and she let out a scream. As I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status.

So to sum it up: Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect…
 

damian666

Well-Known member
Rating - 100%
54   0   0
Joined
Feb 8, 2013
Messages
1,920
Reaction score
42
Points
1,485
Age
27
Location
live and work Faerie Glen Pretoria
.
 

Oj0

The Forum Hobbit
VIP Supporter
TheOverClocker.com
Rating - 100%
86   0   0
Joined
Apr 26, 2010
Messages
11,028
Reaction score
461
Points
4,235
Age
29
Location
Radiokop, Roodepoort
If you've ever wondered whether your wife or dog loves you more, lock both in the boot of your car for an hour.

Whichever is happier to see you when you open the boot obviously loves you more.
 

totesmagotes

Lurker
Rating - 100%
9   0   0
Joined
Oct 28, 2014
Messages
140
Reaction score
4
Points
685
Location
Centurion
A Priest A Rabbi sitting together and having a chat.

Priest says to the Rabbi, "Wow, i wouldn't mind screwing that little boy"

Rabbi replies "Out of what?"
 

QYV

Junior Member
Rating - 100%
29   0   0
Joined
Aug 17, 2016
Messages
561
Reaction score
103
Points
1,035
Location
Cape Town
Bit of a read, but ok
549074.png
 

Latest posts

Top Donors

$301.00
$200.00
$155.00
$120.00
Top